brain no workee!

I'm not quite sure when it happened, how it happened, or why it happened? I don't know if it was a gradual process... or that it happened overnight. My brain no longer seems to work. When I speak, nonsensical things come out. It's like I have dyslexia of the mouth. I used to think it was because I'm socially awkward and I get nervous when there is any remote spotlight on me but I've come to terms with it, it is not that. I think it's because I somehow managed to turn my mind completely off, be it unconsciously, subconsciously, or perhaps consciously. Who knows? All I want is to reclaim my mind. I was never able to speak eloquently, more on paper then vocally. I think, one day, I made up my mind to stop caring and my brain has atrophied. I was trying to divide decimals and I realized, I didn't know how to? How do you figure out where the decimal goes? What was the trick? Damn that calculator!

My boyfriend said to me the other day, that I looked nice. He said something along the lines of, I don't know what's happened, but you're trying and it shows. I don't know if its New York City but I am trying. For the past couple of years, I've merely woken up mere minutes before I had to be anywhere and threw on anything. I didn't even comb my hair. Occasionally, I'd find a knotted mess on the back of my head. This trying to make myself look presentable has also gotten me a bit addicted to shopping. I've been purchasing things on a whim and I can't stop. Money is going out, but not enough money is coming in. I never paid much mind to: dress for success, and if you look good, you feel good but I'm totally feeling it AND I kind of love it.

Anyways, here's to trying! and MONEY management! Hopefully, I can reclaim my brain!

Powder

We had quite a scare last night. We thought Powder had gotten out. It wasn't until late in the evening when Jason surmised, "I haven't seen Powder all day...", that we started looking for him. We searched the rooms, calling his name. We didn't hear his raspy meooow. 3 out of the 4 cats were accounted for. Jason went down into the basement. He did not find him. I went upstairs. There were no signs of him. Jason went out to scour the streets, calling out, Powder every couple of seconds. I wasn't alarmed at this point, I was sure he was somewhere in the house. I went downstairs into the basement and conducted another search. I went out with Jason and covered a two block radius of the house. Still nothing. Jason saw a "Buddy lookalike". A woman walking past asked if we were looking for a cat. Our glum faces as well as a can of cat food must have been an obvious indicator. She told us she saw a cat running by right on our street. Jason grumbled "Must be that Buddy lookalike." We saw a cat scrambling by, it was a stripish cat. NOT Powder. We decided to do a more thorough search of upstairs and came up with nothing. We went back into the basement and I shined my flashlight around.

I gasped! Hey Jayce! THERE'S POWDER!!!
Jason jumped a mile! WTH, you scared me!
I'm sorry! I was too excited.

There, between some garbage cans and a vacuum cleaner, crouched a petrified Powder. His celestial blue eyes were glazed over. He appeared smaller, a far departure from his usual "fat turkey" appearance.

Powder...? we called.

No response. No flinching. Not even a tad of recognition.

Powder must have had quite the adventure. His normal obnoxious, chatty self was reduced to a cowering, mute cat.

I went over to pet him, and he flinched. I picked him up and settled him into Jason's lap. He allowed us to pet him and let out a raspy somewhat hoarse meoow.

Jason states: he stinks
Oh yea?
Like poo.

Crisis averted.

Let's hope Powder learned his lesson.

We certainly did!


Powder seen here, taken 2 days prior to his 12 hour ordeal.

SHOPPING

I'll be the first to admit that shopping makes me feel good. Especially online shopping. There's something about the ease of click click click and getting things shipped to your house that is uncomparable to anything else. The thing about moving is you begin to realize the exorbitant amount of crap that you have. That you really don't need another jacket, skirt, shirt, pair of jeans, etc.. even if its on sale, oh but its so cute. NO! I don't know if its a female condition. Are we just inherently made to believe that if we buy that pair of boots or that really cute blouse, it will complete us, make us feel prettier, thus overall better? I really want to start minimizing and spend my money better. I don't need any more articles of clothing clogging up space. I want to think carefully before making any unnecessary purchases.

I'm never good at saying goodbye...

It's starting to hit me... and if I let it, I just might cry... but I won't. I push it away and just put on a brave face. This is what it means to grow up right? My short stint here is over. I feel like I've learned nothing yet so much at the same time. It's weird how you grow into this routine and how some days you hate it, while other days you love it, and most days, you kind of just live it. Its kind of like driving. I was completely bewildered when I was finally driving alone in my car. It was so weird! And now, it is what it is. I'm driving and sometimes arrogantly, too!

Dental Care!

The right side of my face is pounding. I just went to the dentist. I have to do a root canal and replace the fillings on some of my teeth cause there have been "infiltration". Oh, woe is me. Why anyone in their right mind would want to be a dentist?? - She drilled at me and as much as I tried to tough it out.. I couldn't. I lightly tapped one of her hands, urging her to stop. She continued.. and I pathetically uttered.. it hurts. Give me so more novacaine! Inject the shit out of that area. I FEEL it!!! She more or less told me.. there wasn't much she could do - the nerve is exposed? I realized how much I hated the dentist.. which was why I had put off going so long. But I also realized it was to my own detriment. I am so mad at myself for not going sooner. I am so mad at myself for letting things go. I should take better care of myself! Get to your dentist fast! Before its too late and you're left with an uber throbbing face!

Another end of a chapter....

A year and several months ago, I packed up most of my stuff, quit my jobs, and left the only place I really knew. I bought a car and moved in with two strangers. I pictured a total change to my life. Instead of working pathetic jobs for 7 days a week, I would actually have my weekends to myself. I would make friends. I would finally figure things out. I would be unpredictable. I would grab life by the reins and make the world my oyster! I would finally be happy. Oh, how wrong was I! I quickly fell back into my old habits. When you're so use to being miserable, altering your life, completely uplifting it to another place, won't change things. It won't change your learned behavior of looking at everything with such disdain and... utter miserableness.
No, I am not any smarter nor wiser now than I was a year and several months ago. I have a degree that I will probably not use. I have a student loan that will take me awhile to pay off. I have less money than I did. I really still have no idea what I'm doing. But I have learned to let go some. I have learned that my happiness really is in my hands and that it really doesn't take much. It truly is the simple things. Life is consistently happening......... why spend it in such discontent?, such woe is me mentality? such an imagined self-inflicted tortured existence?

Otto Dog

Here's to you Otto Dog - I look forward to our partnership!